Forever Autumn
by Rhea1305
Summary: Stream of consciousness that will develop into a story. I'm not sure whether this will be johnlock or not yet, but i'll see where it takes me. Post-Reichenbach!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I'm experimenting with this story so it will move around a lot. I'm trying out a stream of consciousness and first person monologues and seeing how it all works out so please let me know what you think in a review.  
Rhea**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the song, that's composed by Jeff Wayne. The characters belong to Genius Conan Doyle and the plot point belong to Moffat and Gatiss. **

* * *

_My life will be forever Autumn_

_Cause you're not here…_

* * *

"I'd have followed you to the end. I'd have come with you into the dark if you'd let me. You were a light in a dark place. You were… you were everything…

It was a twist of fate that brought us together. You never believed in that stuff, but it's true. I should never have walked through the park the day I met you. the events that led up to us meeting were entirely a matter of chance. I usually took a taxi back from my therapist, mostly because she annoyed me so much that I wanted to get away as quickly as possible, but that day I decided to walk through the park, "For old times sake" like we used to when we were fresh, young students at Bart's. it was sentiment that brought us together.

it's sentiment that keeps me here, that keeps me in the flat. Even though everywhere I look I'm met with a memory of you and it hurts; I could never leave. I couldn't bear to be away from you, even though you're not here. there's something keeping me here. I think it's hope. I think that even after two years I cant help but hope that perhaps there'll be another miracle. I begged you for it and if you can, I know you will.

I hope you will… I need you here…"

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"If my therapist could see me now she'd be having a field day. I told her I talk to your grave; she wrote that I'm beginning to face my grief. I'm not sure what she'd say if she knew I came here as well. I'm not sure what she'd say if I told her that I sit here for hours, talking to you. She thinks it's bad enough that the limp's back. I know it's psychosomatic, I'm a Doctor and I know there's nothing wrong with my leg but I… I just can't help it. It hurts.

It has done since I realised, subconsciously at least, that perhaps the miracle isn't going to happen. that maybe you're not coming back…

Mycroft came by yesterday. I'm not sure why. I still can't look at him in the face. He betrayed you, he told _him_ things even I didn't know…I can't trust him, not that I ever did, not like I trusted you.

I'd have followed you anywhere. I'd have come with you if you'd let me. I'd jumped off this bloody roof with you. I'd have followed you everywhere. I'd have followed you anywhere. Why didn't you let me follow you, Sherlock?


	2. Chapter 2

I always knew you would follow, John. I knew you'd have followed if I let you. If I'd have asked you, you would have come with me without question. I couldn't though, I had to protect you and Lestrade and Mrs Hudson. I had to save you John. I could save myself, I could make the jump and still live on, that was a certainty, but I couldn't ask you to jump with me. I couldn't risk you. Not after you'd stayed through everything else.

I meant what I said; I don't have friends. I have you and I'm not sure if you're a friend or something more. I'm not sure what we are. I know you hate it when people talk, but I sometimes think that maybe they were right.

I've been following you. I followed you to the roof and I listened to everything you said, and you're right about your therapist. if she knew you came and sat on the rooftop of Bart's to speak to me, she'd think that… it wouldn't be well interpreted.

The worst part of all this is the waiting. I have to watch you walk away, a defeated shell of the John Watson that was. The calm, unflappable army Doctor that was always there.

You're not who you were…

It's my fault. I did that. I defeated you. It wasn't Moriarty, or Mycroft, it was me. I broke you. I'm coming back John. I wish I could say it to you properly, I wish I could say it so you could hear it, but you need to wait a little longer. The last one is coming and once we've caught him I can come back. I can re-write everything, I just need you to wait a little bit longer.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

I don't get scared often. Things that scare normal people just make me excited or more determined.

Don't do anything John, not now it's finished. not now it's just begun. The truth is so close, the truth of Moriarty and Sherlock Holmes, don't do anything stupid now that it's fixed.

I'm coming back John. I'm coming back…

I looked over the message again:

_JW on Barts roof. Hurry- Mycroft_

_On my way- SH_


End file.
